Help! I just discovered my partner’s secret life or infidelity:
If you recently discovered your spouse/partner’s secret life and/or infidelity you are likely experiencing unprecedented levels of pain and fear and you may feel your world is spinning out of control. This can make the question “What do I do now?” difficult or even impossible to answer. The short answer is that the question may take time to answer fully, but there are certain things that can help you get started and get your footing. In my experience there are a couple of things you should know and a few key things that you can do to move forward.
You need to know:
This isn't your fault-
This can be tough, but try to consider that this discovery is much more about your partner than it is about you. Chances are that this has nothing to do with your looks or behavior or an argument you once had. Most often addicts and those acting out later admit that their behavior was a result of their bad choices and selfishness rather than anything having to do with you.
You don't need to have everything figured out-
The truth is that you may have far more questions than answers right now and that is okay. It is understandable that you want answers both from your partner and from yourself about what happened and what you should do in response. Often, these questions take time to answer fully and may not occur until later on in the healing process. For now, allow yourself both grace and compassion and resist feeling as though you should have more figured out than you do.
This is serious and it’s also traumatic-
Often times Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is thought of when discussing stories of war or natural disaster. However, PTSD exists on a greater scale than these examples and may even apply to your current feelings. The reality is that discovering your partner’s infidelity and secret life can be intensely traumatic and even meet criteria for PTSD. So, if you find yourself feeling always on guard, experiencing nightmares, insomnia, anxiety or flashbacks, realize that your symptoms are not to be dismissed. You are not crazy or alone in the way you are feeling and help is available.
Things you can do:
Reach out for help-
One of the best things that you can do is reach out and speak with someone who is a trusted and qualified confidential resource. Often times this means scheduling an appointment with a therapist that has experience dealing with infidelity and sexual acting out. CSATs (Certified Sex Addiction Therapists) are trained extensively in both the assessment and treatment of intimacy disorders including sex addiction. Jason VanRuler is a CSAT-C therapist and would welcome your call or email.
Pursue knowledge-
There are several wonderful texts that you can obtain to help you through this process. You can find our list of recommendations on our Resource page. It is important to note that while this can be a positive way to process what you are going through, it can also be difficult. This is why I suggest first visiting with a professional.
Find Support-
It is important to find a network of people who both understand what you are going through and can help you through the process. Now, more than ever there are options such as local church groups, 12-step fellowships and SA (Sexaholics Anonymous). Some of these groups are even available to help via phone or Skype.
Lastly:
It's true, things will never be the same after this discovery. This can be both terrible and rejuvenating. The process of healing and establishing a new normal takes time and effort. Be gentle on yourself and allow yourself room to grieve and work through recovery. There is no golden rule or easy way to do it, but you can get better and your relationship can change. If you would like to discuss anything you’ve read here in greater detail please contact Jason.
If you recently discovered your spouse/partner’s secret life and/or infidelity you are likely experiencing unprecedented levels of pain and fear and you may feel your world is spinning out of control. This can make the question “What do I do now?” difficult or even impossible to answer. The short answer is that the question may take time to answer fully, but there are certain things that can help you get started and get your footing. In my experience there are a couple of things you should know and a few key things that you can do to move forward.
You need to know:
This isn't your fault-
This can be tough, but try to consider that this discovery is much more about your partner than it is about you. Chances are that this has nothing to do with your looks or behavior or an argument you once had. Most often addicts and those acting out later admit that their behavior was a result of their bad choices and selfishness rather than anything having to do with you.
You don't need to have everything figured out-
The truth is that you may have far more questions than answers right now and that is okay. It is understandable that you want answers both from your partner and from yourself about what happened and what you should do in response. Often, these questions take time to answer fully and may not occur until later on in the healing process. For now, allow yourself both grace and compassion and resist feeling as though you should have more figured out than you do.
This is serious and it’s also traumatic-
Often times Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is thought of when discussing stories of war or natural disaster. However, PTSD exists on a greater scale than these examples and may even apply to your current feelings. The reality is that discovering your partner’s infidelity and secret life can be intensely traumatic and even meet criteria for PTSD. So, if you find yourself feeling always on guard, experiencing nightmares, insomnia, anxiety or flashbacks, realize that your symptoms are not to be dismissed. You are not crazy or alone in the way you are feeling and help is available.
Things you can do:
Reach out for help-
One of the best things that you can do is reach out and speak with someone who is a trusted and qualified confidential resource. Often times this means scheduling an appointment with a therapist that has experience dealing with infidelity and sexual acting out. CSATs (Certified Sex Addiction Therapists) are trained extensively in both the assessment and treatment of intimacy disorders including sex addiction. Jason VanRuler is a CSAT-C therapist and would welcome your call or email.
Pursue knowledge-
There are several wonderful texts that you can obtain to help you through this process. You can find our list of recommendations on our Resource page. It is important to note that while this can be a positive way to process what you are going through, it can also be difficult. This is why I suggest first visiting with a professional.
Find Support-
It is important to find a network of people who both understand what you are going through and can help you through the process. Now, more than ever there are options such as local church groups, 12-step fellowships and SA (Sexaholics Anonymous). Some of these groups are even available to help via phone or Skype.
Lastly:
It's true, things will never be the same after this discovery. This can be both terrible and rejuvenating. The process of healing and establishing a new normal takes time and effort. Be gentle on yourself and allow yourself room to grieve and work through recovery. There is no golden rule or easy way to do it, but you can get better and your relationship can change. If you would like to discuss anything you’ve read here in greater detail please contact Jason.